Furry Friend

As I am writing this my dog of 10 years lies, not beside me like usual, but in the kitchen, with his nose against the cabinet. He is listless and sunken, his uneaten dinner still in the dish beside him. I finally made him an appointment at the vet today, but they can't see us until Friday morning. It is starting to feel like an eternity away from now.
At Christmas time he was unwrapping his gifts himself, he frolicked in the snow this winter and while we have noticed a tremendous slowing down over the past few months, it is nothing like the downward slide he has had beginning in January. He has had episodes of being very sick, but then he perks up for a couple of days and we decide it is nothing...he ate something bad or has a virus. But at this point I am not optimistic that it is not something terminal.
Today I took him on a longer walk than usual, with two stops (grocery store and hardware store) along the way. I took him out again before leaving at 3:30, and Brett beat us home and walked him at 7:00, not knowing he had already had a mid afternoon walk. Even though they are all short, the extra walk is too much for him...I couldn't get him out of the elevator, and Brett said he could barely get him to climb the stairs this evening. I am worried now that I won't be able to get him to the vet on Friday and it is only 3 short blocks away.
Just to be prepared, I have been reading articles written by veterinarians about euthanizing dogs and the thought that it might be anywhere in our future has me so upset. But I can't stop thinking about it and what it means to decide for another creature that it is time for it to die. I could never send him in alone, and yet the thought of watching the lights go out in his eyes is such a trip it is like it doesn't even register. I am haunted by it.
Banchi's two closest dog friends from Oregon (all the same age) were euthanized this year. He is going to be 11 in June, which isn't terribly old (77 in people years), especially when you consider that the oldest dog on record was a Blue Heeler (Banchi is half Queensland Heeler, a close relative). But that seems like a huge fluke, the dog was reportedly 29.5 years old. Other sources I found say that heelers have an average lifespan of 11 years, and Boxers (his other half) live about the same length of time.
We have watched friends pay incredible amounts of money on their pets, and do things that require so much energy--medications, mad dashes home at noon to walk the dog, skip out on vacations because the pet is too sick or high maintenance to be boarded, chemotherapy, acupuncture, surgeries...We have always vowed to never go that route. I'm not proud, but must admit that I have West Virginia-style pet care as part of my background--certain unnamed relatives have, shall we say euthanized pets without the euthanizing. While I could never go that far, I definitely am of the opinion that pets should be treated like pets and not like humans. But it is so conflicting, at this point, when I see my dog's demeanor and I can tell he doesn't really care what happens to him, I am longing for something to make him comfortable and I want desperately to do anything to bring back his spark.
All the times when he has been a frustration--when he gets into things, sheds, barks at the buzzer or is in the way--seem like such trifles when I think of how he won't be here forever. I can only think now of how when I am sick he knows and stares in my eyes as if to say he's sorry and feel better soon, or how he is so gentle with babies or how I always enjoy walking him even if I didn't think I would before going outside.
Tonight before bed Brett played guitar, like usual, and made up a Banchi Song. It was so sweet it made me cry...he remembered all sorts of things we have experienced over the past 10 years, and it made me feel very grateful for having a dog at all, and for all that entails...not always good, not always easy, but, well, rich and wonderful.
So I'm not sure what will happen on Friday. I'm going to let that unfold as it will. Maybe it is nothing and we will have our crumb chasing canine back after some simple meds in a few days.
Signing off to go snuggle on the floor with my first baby...